Friday, November 20, 2009

Slip sliding away

I took delivery delivery of my new car today. The car I looked at and decided to buy last weekend because the car I've had for the last 11 years is costing more in repairs than it's value, on a very regular basis. The time to change cars had come. Actually, it was time to change about 4 years ago which is why Rob & I were looking at car options in the month before he died. Then my life turned inside out and changing cars just didn't rate much more than a passing thought.

I really liked my old car. It was a model with lots of extras. Extras that are not included in my new base model car. My old car was a station wagon, but I always enjoyed driving it, I enjoyed the comfort levels it afforded. My new car is also a station wagon, and although it's 3 years old it has only 22,000 ks on the odometer (13,500 miles) and still has the new car feel to it. It's a sensible car for me to buy, and really, it's very nice.

I kind of enjoyed making this purchase without consultation with anyone else and the eyebrows that raises. Why is it ok for a man to do this but not a woman? I feel irritated in the extreme when I'm considered incapable of making important decisions because of my gender. I'm perfectly capable of researching road tests, resale values, service issues and the like, thank you for your concern.

So, I'm now the owner of one perfectly sensible 4 cylinder station wagon and all I feel is relief that I've managed to negotiate the paper work and finance in what was, and continues to be, a pretty hectic week.

And I feel sad. I've parted with another link to Rob. It was our car. Rob loved it, I loved it. We had some great family road trips in it. Now the tangible link to those memories is gone from my life. I have a car that looks and feels new and has absolutely no link to my husband.

Replacing my car was the right thing to do, and I should have done it well before now, but sometimes doing the right thing is just a little heart wrenching. The life I once had has slipped a little further away.


  1. Weird. I could have sworn I left a comment on this. Oh well. I love you and have recently done the same thing. It's letting go of one more piece of a life we cherished so much, a life we weren't ready to leave behind.

  2. Grieving isn't something accomplished in a set of nice, tidy steps, is it? But that's inevitable, right even... Someone you loved and loved you can't -- shouldn't -- be packed away forever after a few neat stages. But it still hurts.