It's them not me.

You know what I hate?

I hate that whenever I mention things I did with my late husband they look at me as if I've used unsavoury language while talking about a politically incorrect topic. The politically incorrect topic being my life.

They can talk about things their husband did 10 years ago, 10 months ago, 10 weeks ago, 10 minutes ago. Apparently that's quite acceptable.

Me using the one option available to me is not.

Apparently I'm supposed to wipe all memory of my husband. I guess my children were immaculately conceived.

I've adjusted to being a widow. It's the world around me that has an issue with it.

Happy camper

Davey's back from camp and hasn't stopped talking about it. He had a great time. He even discovered he liked healthy food thanks to Nathan the hippy who was Davey's group outdoor adventure guide.

He also learned that getting in and getting jobs done was very satisfying. The cynic in me knows he's still a 15 year old who gets distracted, but it's a beginning of the knowledge groove in his brain.

This is one of those times when I know the school fees are good value :)

Responsibility breather

I took Davey to school this morning, even though it's Sunday. And I took him at 6.30am when it was nippy around his bare shins as he wore the required shorts.

Davey's off to camp in the cold hinterland with his school year for the next 4 days. I'm sure he'll have a great time. His wry comment was that he was sure he'd think it had been fun once he'd returned and could laugh about events with his friends. He seemed fairly convinced it wasn't going to feel like fun while he was actually experiencing it!

As it's a bush adventure style camp with canoeing, abseiling, hiking, mountain biking, oh and tent pitching and lack of showering facilities thrown in for good measure, what's not for a 15 year old to love?

Meantime, back at the homestead, I feel an immediate lessening of responsibility. I don't have to be mindful of him and his activities, organise my schedule around him, organise our food to consider his likes, organise his school lunch. I'm amazed at the difference it makes!

But I'll love it when he's home again too.

I have joy. But fun?

Thanks for the love - a little makes a lot of difference!

I sat in beautiful sunshine on the soccer sidelines this morning, all snuggled up in a scarf and warm jacket, and contemplated things.

One of them being just how many people piss me off. And hankering after an easy life. I'm just worn down by keeping up ya know? I think it's because of that, when people want me to explain my reason for every damn thing I do or don't do, I feel so exasperated.

I have a few good friends who don't need explanations. They know I have thought-out reasons for most things. I'm like that. It's the people who don't really know me who want explanations I don't want to give. Like the people I work with. I don't dislike them as people, though I don't enjoy working with them, and they're just not on my wave length. They have different life values and motivations, so even if I do explain my reasons to them, they don't understand. One day I'm going to ask them if they feel I don't approve of stuff they do, and I know the answer will be no, because I go out of my way to offer support for they choices they make, for they are their choices. I wish they'd offer me the same consideration.

The parents of my son's soccer team are in the same category, so I choose to sit separately so their sideline conversations don't annoy me. (He's playing for a different club this year, and I'm really missing the parents from his old team.) That way at least I enjoy being outdoors with nothing more to do than watch.

That's something I really dislike about the way offices are organised. I can't sit separately and just get on with stuff. In my old job I really enjoyed the people I worked with. Sigh. I wish I had other options. This IS the option if have chosen and it remains the best option for me and my teenagers, and I know it won't be like this forever, but there are days... There are days I hanker after a different life. An easier life. A less responsible life.

Not closed for business after all

Ok, so I haven't blogged in 3 months and then I turn up again. I often ponder closing the blog, but I just can't make myself do it. I have things to say! I have things I want to get off my chest.

It's not just time that prevents me doing so, it's having to explain circumstances so they make sense to the reader. However, as there are no readers, I've realised I'm free to simply write away. Not long posts, as I don't have time for that. Just little snippets about my teenagers, about my job, about life.